Writing up another poem

I'm worried about the cat.

I'm thinking about ordering Luminous Arc for the DS from Japan...

You?

I'm sorry you had an incompetent dictator, to an effect, in your history class. History is really only an enjoyable class (for most) if students are allowed to ask questions and spark debates over what happened and what should have happened. On that same train of thought, I don't particularly see how students are supposed to learn material merely by listening to some teacher drone on and only allowing certain opinions. I had the misfortune of having a very similar teacher for my government class - he shot down almost everything my classmates and myself had to say, then wondered why we basically went on strike when it came to debate day.

I have no doubts when it comes to how I need to pick a religion that fits my beliefs and follow it. I'm sure there is a God of some sort that exists, and I don't see the logical in evolution. My issues lie entirely in my soul and how frustrating I find watching loved ones suffer through things like cancer or Parkinson's (or even seeing the damned diseases exist in the first place); things like that make me wonder how followers of any faith can call God kind and merciful when these horrors besiege the world. We're a fallen people, but still; it's been quite some time - maybe lightening the harsh treatment on kind, God-fearing people wouldn't do any harm.

Oh, of course life isn't a play. You have no idea how much it sickens me when people think I believe that, or when I meet and talk with people who do believe that. A good example that comes to my mind is a kid in my Engineering class that wants to be a sniper just because he thinks it's cool and non-dangerous. He's an avid video-gamer, and also seems to think mere high school ROTC will advance him far in the military. It's quite funny and sad to see how screwed up some people's perceptions of reality are.

And, sorry, I won't be a certified oncologist for a while yet, so working to change it is kind-of difficult at the moment. I have no complaints about my own personal life (even though I see and talk to a psychologist bi-monthly for family counsel), but a close friend of mine has cancer and that is what has been bothering me.

Your thoughts?

...one of our priests at school announced he had cancer in the bladder after mass today...

Your thoughts?

I'm thinking of ... stuff.

Yourself?

I'm thinking of a speech contest for Japanese...

You?

I'm thinking about my college choices for my ACT scores to be sent to, and why I listened to my counselor's "great advice" to wait until October to take the test. Yay for being up to the neck in paperwork all my senior year.

You?

5 acceptances, 1 rejection to universities, 2 more letters to go.

Your thoughts?

I'm thinking about how stupid it is that I ended up with a C- in AP Chemistry just because of missing some stuff on a lab write-up that my partner refused to help me with - along with how we never had any quizzes, just heavy tests so the weighted scores were all screwed up. Meh.

You?

I'm thinking about my old chem teacher's initials - D.K. "Decay" was a good nickname for him. I'm also thinking about why I remember things like that ... @_@

Luminous Arc. And Yasunori Mitsuda.

You?

I'm thinking about cleaning the house and what order I should do the rooms in. I'm also considering reapplying at CVS.

You?

Why I'm wasting my time with a minigame called Lucia's Broom online...>>

You?

I find comparing God letting innocent people die to a parent letting their child fail sort-of off. A child making a mistake does not equal death (since parents usually don't let them learn what things are poisonous on their own), just a bit of a letdown. There's also a strong underlying bitterness from God taking my mother away before I turned 14 that I'm afraid I'll never lose, which also clouds my vision. My friend, who is only 36 (far too young for all this), with a son who will be two this May, being diagnosed with cancer snapped me even more. I am actually trying very hard to pray for guidance and search the Bible for whatever hidden meaning it might hold for me... but yeah. It'd be nice if my life would stay together long enough for me to focus on that - I'm fucked up; I get it.

The other thing that has always irritated me is how there are a million religions that have different descriptions of heaven, hell, and God - yet churches I've been to say all are right in their own way. I don't understand how a bunch of beliefs that all contradict each other can be right all at the same time; it's just not logical at all.

He doesn't want to be a sniper to serve his country; he seriously says killing people for a living would be cool. That's what irritates me about him. I don't doubt that he has the brains to be a good sniper, I just think saying killing people would be cool is pretty damn sick. As I've said, he's an avid video-gamer with a screwed up perception of reality. Aside from ROTC, he spends very little time looking into actual army training, which is far harsher than what my school's ROTC will ever offer. Instead he spends his time playing shoot up games and bragging about his high scores during engineering class. I don't care what people do to make themselves happy, as long as they don't throw whatever that is in my face and/or say things that suggest death of any sort is cool.

Of course I can be there, but I feel pretty useless just standing there unable to make anything better. I'm probably one of the only people who hates being with other people when I'm sick ... but I fail to see what is so great about being surrounded by people when all you want to do is rest.

I consider people in the driving range to be teenagers, and capable of deciding whether they want to risk their life or not. When they are still children (ten and under), parents don't let them eat dangerous things or play in dangerous places to learn what is and isn't safe. That'd be considered child endangerment.

... Where's the fun in dying a long and painful death at a young age? And I never said people shouldn't die; I said they shouldn't die young.

Is there any reason we're referring to my friend as a she? I'm sure I never mentioned his gender, but I find it interesting you thought my friend was more likely to be a female.

I'm thinking about how when using proper English when referring to a specific thing like a person or thing it has to be either he, she, or it. So Batou's guess at your friends gender with no knowledge of your friend at all was the most likely answer seeing as majority of 'most' girl's friends are female for various reasons.

I'm also thinking about how its amusing how people sometimes get upset if their gender is incorrectly identified, while I actually prefer to be misidentified.

Actually, 'he' is the accepted pronoun for unknown genders, unless things have changed since I set foot in an English classroom. I'm thinking of how funny it is that I cannot stand a majority of my female "friends." After all, females tend to be more gossip-ridden and far more superficial - especially the ones my age. All I ever seem to talk with will ask me about makeup, clothes, or other stupid things (and they wonder why I'm always finding an excuse to get away, heh). It's ironic.

I'm thinking of a project I need to finish up for Thursday...

You?

I'm thinking of how interesting, and yet annoying, having to install new updates for Vista every day is.

I'm thinking about how understanding songs in Japanese isn't that hard anymore...and also about the contraction "ain't."

You?

I'm thinking of the next word for here. >> << >>

...that wonderful best-sounding example of how to use ain't as it was originally intended escapes my mind. Oh well.

Your thoughts?

I'm thinking occlusive and lachrymal are both great words. ^^;

You?

I'm thinking about what I was thinking about, which I can't remember now.

You?

I'm getting really sick of the "running from reality" nonsense. I'm dealing with it - I'm not sealing myself in a room and whining about how much life sucks. I'm still going to school, church (although that is my dad forcing me along, I'd be spending my Sunday mornings some other way, if I had a say), and hanging out with friends, and very much immersing myself in reality, if you will. Letting someone I have no control over consume me and ruin my life would be a rather idiotic thing for me to do, so I'm not letting myself do that. When I start huddling in a corner and crying about how the world is out to get me is when I'll be running from everything - but I can still find the things I'm dealing with unfair. Being accused of doing nothing is highly annoying, since I'm not in denial and I am doing what little I can.

A quick, painless death as opposed to a dragged out one is far more merciful, but I'm getting irritated with your twisting my words around. I said a young child dying to learn things by experience wasn't fair, nothing about how no one should die, maybe I missed a word or two in my sentence, fine. Someone should be able to infer my intended meanings from later paragraphs (rather than acting like I'm contradicting myself), unless my views were to drastically change over a two or three day time period. The point I was trying to get across was that everyone should have a chance to raise a family, have a long-term job, etc. - the typical life dream. Living life forever would obviously become boring, and would greatly mess up the world's ability to accommodate us and I'd like to think I'm more intelligent than to want us all to die from a lack of resources because dying of anything else is unfair.

But as long as a person is healthy, and happy, they shouldn't have to suddenly be shot down with a terminal illness out of nowhere. My mom died within minutes of having a stroke, and the chances of her having been in pain are slim to none - why this can't hold true for everyone is something I've always wondered. Sure, it hurts more to lose someone suddenly, but selfishly wanting them to stay while they're in a great deal of pain? That's almost worse. I don't see how anyone can call a God that lets his followers suffer so much merciful, and yet I know many atheists who are in excellent health and are very happy. Honestly? It looks like people who believe are the ones who suffer, and those who refuse to believe are the ones who life lives that aren't riddled with as much trouble.

He's not single; he's married and has been for a couple of years. I didn't see need to mention his spouse (as I don't know his spouse at all, but I have seen the child), but apparently me not doing so completely screws up all perception of the situation. There is nothing 'normal' about my friendships, as I have practically no friends no age, but prefer to associate with people older than me who I can have a meaningful conversation with. I'd think people would guess that about me from how many annoyances I find in my age group. I was raised to think that was fine, and I'd like to keep on believing that, thank you.

I'm writing my words down, not speaking them - hence me liking to follow formal writing law. I probably mess up on grammar every now and then, but a forum/e-mail/IMs/letters are always going to read more like a paper than a social interaction to me. It's hard for me to imagine a conversation being written out in paragraphs, because they aren't presented as such - they interrupt themselves, and have random actions thrown in. And, no, someone typing "*glomps*" or "*whines*" doesn't make it feel more realistic.

I actually have seen that book before; it's amusing, to say the least.

That may be biologically true Batou-san, but not socially true. If a parent-child relationship matures properly it will evolve into something closer to an brother-sister, sister-sister, brother-brother, type of thing. There is no longer a situation of two groups of people standing on different levels of authority within the family structure, but instead everyone existing fairly equally. Adult children still have a great deal of respect for their parents, but parents also come to respect the talents and accomplishments of their children and the lives that they've built for themselves. It all becomes very mutual (at least in my case it did) but everyone should expect that same type of outcome eventually.

That's really sad to hear about what happened to your mom Noriko-chan. v_v *huggles* From the time that I was 8 years old, my dad had been sick with an incurable disease that eventually killed him. It took 22 years for that to happen though and it was very sad to watch him suffering towards the end. My family had a lot of time to prepare ourselves for his death, so there wasn't a sudden shock like you had to experience. But even though my dad had to suffer like that for so long, he never lost his spirit, he never became depressed or wanted to give up living. To him life was still worth it which is an impression he made on me that I'll never forget. None of us knows what sort of trial we will face when our time comes, all that matters is that we not lose hope and that we live the best that we can in the time that we have left.

I'm thinking of branches of Christianity, etc.

You?

... I'm thinking of how I really wish my own dad didn't shove everything I'm supposed to do (even where I'm allowed to apply for a job at, good grief) down my throat, since my perception of such a relationship would be a lot better then. I'm also tired from this week.

You?

I'm thinking about the recent influx of religious and philosophical discussions and how/if I should approach the subject. Upsetting those with power might get me banned. So, I guess it might be better for everyone if I steer clear from this discussion altogether.

I'm thinking of what it is that Kyuu-san might say that would cause me to ban him ... O.o;;

... but yeah, political and/or religious topics tend to not go over well on online forums.

It seems to me like your dad is being a little oppressive Noriko-chan. I know that it is important for parents to look out for the well being of their children, but at the same time I know that children are unique individuals too. As a parent I know that it's not correct for me to try to force my kids to grow up as clones of myself or even force them to fit into a preconceived notion of what I envision my children would be when they grow up. It's important for me to be a guide to help my children avoid life's traps and pitfalls, but ultimately they must choose their own path in life. Unfortunately, I'm aware that other parents have very high expectations from their children. Another friend of mine did very well in school and did excellent on her SAT's, but was still punished by her parents because she didn't get into Harvard. Some people are so selfish it makes me want to scream! >_<

Erm, without knowing the specifics of the jobs you've been applying for Noriko-chan, all that I would discourage you from doing is anything that might be life threatening or if the person/business you'd be working for had a known criminal reputation or something like that. Anything else should be fine I would think.

I'm thinking of my recent behavior and how it parallels symptoms of clinical depression.


You?

The interesting thing is how I want to less and less like him the more he does those sort of things. The only problem is that all I have to fall back on is some of my mother's teaching, and she didn't even bother with a lot of things because I was too young and anti-social for them to be useful. I can definitely somewhat relate with your friend, Hikaru-chan; I've been scolded for getting Bs before. I also got yelled at for only being ranked in the 95 out of 99 group on my standard tests - just because he got 99s on everything. I'm scared of what will happen at ACTs... ugh.

Well, I've just been hoping for a cashier job at some store, like CVS - or a waitress job. *shrug* He's just convinced I'll have to take off too many days for newspaper, even though the rest of the staff has jobs and it seems to work out. He told a bunch of people from church to refuse to be my references just to get on my nerves too, haha.

I'm thinking of turning my brain off for a few days...at least school wise. Unless you call making up languages "school work."

Your thoughts?

Unfortunately it looks like your relationship with your dad is getting pushed more and more towards alienation Noriko-chan. v_v. That's really, really sad because it could eventually lead to complete separation later on. What you said about the standardized tests is almost exactly what happened to my friend Aizy-chan, except that she scored 97th percentile. The problem with parental expectations is that they are something that the parent wants and doesn't really take into account what the child wants which is very selfish on the parents' part. Like I said before, children are individuals with their own needs and desires and what they want does matter and should not be ignored. I'm not sure if you feel that way (like you're being ignored) but ignoring the needs of another person is probably the best way that there is to ruin a relationship with them and create alienation.

O.o;; He really did that? That's the sort of dirty, underhanded behavior I'd expect from bitterly opposed business competitors rather than from a father/daughter relationship. Personally I'd be delighted that my daughter was actually taking the initiative to go out and find work for herself. There wouldn't be anything that I'd do to try to discourage that ... but I might think of ways to get contributions to the family finances, lol There isn't anything wrong with your job ideas either. Yuzuki-chan that used to come here a lot has a waitressing job that pays well and she likes it a lot, although the manager can be annoying sometimes. The first job that I had was doing cashier work at a Sears department store so I wouldn't frown on that either. The pay wasn't very good, but I love shopping and got to dress up and wear nice clothes for work everyday which made it a rather fun job. A place like CVS probably wouldn't require dressing up, but I doubt that they would discourage it if you really wanted to. There's probably more to the story, but it's discouraging that your dad is being such a lead weight around your ankles at this time when you're trying to spread your wings for the first time. *huggles*

I do want to do my best, but it aggravates me when my best isn't good enough for his standards. Just because he got super high scores in school and denied himself a social life doesn't mean I should do the same. I only get to go out during the weekends as it is, which is bearable, but makes it hard to work around my friends who work during most of the weekend and have school nights off. :x

If there is more to it, I wish he'd tell me. I repeatedly have asked him what is so wrong about me getting a job and have gotten nothing other than the easily counter-able "takes too much time from schoolwork" argument. I wouldn't even really mind giving some of it to him to help with bills or whatever; I just want an extra $20 or so to go on the weekends and a bit to set aside for college. I also need to pay for ACTs and next year's AP tests You'd think he'd be happy to not have to pay for expensive testing. Meh.

It is a good thing to set a high goal to aim for as far as academic achievement goes Noriko-chan, but the goal shouldn't be so high that it is not attainable. It's unreasonable to expect a person to score a perfect 4.0 in every subject, but maybe your dad was the type of over-achiever person that did just that. Well, "over-achiever" is a personality trait and has nothing to do with intelligence or work ethic. Somehow your dad needs to find a way to accept the fact that not everyone can be the valedictorian of their class and it doesn't mean that they are lazy or stupid. You expressed a desire to have a meaningful social life which is perfectly acceptable. There are other things in life that are worthwhile besides good grades, career, money, and power and it's very often that the "other things" are what give us the most happiness in life, so it's important to have a balance. Somewhere I saw that you see your pastor sometimes for spiritual advice, so at some point he(she?) might have explained our spiritual and material natures as human beings. We have both, that can't be changed, so both must be nutured, and neither can be ignored. It's why some of the most materialistic people are the most unhappy - they've ignored their own spiritual health. "Spirit" doesn't necessarily mean having to do with any religion, it's just the essence of who we are although religions do have many effective ways to nurture the spirit. Icck, I'm going off track again ... well I just see that you're not the geeky bookworm type and want more out of life so ... hmm try to get your dad to go out and do something fun with you sometime. Maybe if he gets to the point of enjoying himself, then would be a good time to explain that you want more of that too and not to have to spend every waking moment studying.

I agree that "takes too much time from schoolwork" is not an adequate explanation. There could be many other reasons. If your family is financially very wealthy, then your dad might view working as a waste of time, or even undignified. But in that case he should be providing you with a generous allowance to live on. (I'm guessing this is not the case because you see exam costs as being expensive) Another idea is that having a job would give you a way to exert independence and there are a number of reasons that your dad might not want that. Some parents can be very clingy or overly attached to their children so if your start to spread your wings like baby bird is about to fly out of the nest, this could be distressing for a parent because they would lose some of the closeness that they feel with you in the house every day. Also, some parents (or just people in general) can be very controlling, so if you start to achieve independence by getting a job, that erodes away at their control and they will fight against it. I'm not sure if that's the case with your dad, but it is possible because I sense a lot of frustration from you due to him resisting your efforts.

I'm thinking of how the English version of the novel of Shakugan no Shana deleted a certain illustration...

You?

being sick certainly isn't enjoyable.


You?

I'm thinking of my latest anime interest, Romeo x Juliet, and the newfound love I have for the original play and other things referencing it now. Hm.

You?

About my distaste for Shakespeare and his, what I call, misuse of language.

You?

...why, perhaps, do "q"s become "r"s before "s"s (like tameq + suaq = tamersuaq), and "u"s seem to become "or"s, as in illu + suaq = illorsuaq...

You?

I'm thinking of tomorrow's after school schedule: take test over The Scarlet Letter that I missed Friday due to being in Burlington on important Academy business, then work for five hours on newspaper. Eh.

You?

I guess I'm considerably dumber than I used to be. ...that's...an interesting thought. O.o

Your thoughts?

I'm thinking of how long it is until I can see a certain person, and how oddly unbearable it is.

You?

What should I do...

You?

... about?

...I don't know, hm, let's see.

I'm aware that I have a single mutual friend now, that a certain thing was discontinued (both maybe a half a week ago), then recontinued with me as a friend (yesterday), and I was unfriended again (today). I've simply been silent, seeing what would happen, perhaps it was a mistake. Apparently not.

Your thoughts?

... ah, can't help you there.

I'm thinking of what kind of essay I might have thrown at me tomorrow. I've studied and written a few practice essays, but I'm worried because this teacher holds very high expectations for his students and their tests.

I wonder about that...

I'm thinking of a friend of mine from Japanese school.

You?