Topic: Sensei Alex-chan's poetry

[minimoon]

Go al!
Great expression! I can feel your anger!!! ^O^

[Froggie chan]

I like this alot ^_^
Its meaning is clear and strong throughtout, its a very strong and poignant (sp).
great work.
The only small suggestion I have is that there are a few words that you can cut out. the overusuage of words such as 'the' seem to make it loss flow in some places.

[Haggis-chan]

Melikies Alex-chan! ^_^ I can really sense how you feel...

And Amy, if you're talking about the usage of "the" in the first stanza, then I actually quite like that effect...
But each to their own..  *shrug*

[Froggie chan]

Not the first stanza, and "the" isnt the word, its just the first that came into my head.

My tiredness is turning to annoyance,
and then from that to hatred.
I can no longer wait for you as i pretend behind my new mask.
You have changed,
and it annoys me that you are no loner who you once were - cheerful, happy.
I no longer want to be here...by your side.

That could be edited to something like this (this is only a suggestion btw alex)

"My tiredness, transforming into annoyance, hatred,
I cant wait for you, im pretending behind this new mask.
You have changed,  happy cheerful loner no more,
I no longer want to be here,
By your side."

I just think it flows in a less prose stlye and more of a poetic style. But then again its your choice. *shrug*

[Meilinrose]

Hmm, I like the edit you suggested Amy but I also like Alex's original version - to me, you both have very distinct styles so it would be strange to have something very much like your style in the middle of Alex's poem ^_^

But yeah, I really like it Alex and I can see what you're saying - maybe the best I've seen from you!

[Maki-chan]

It's very good Alex-chan and a subject that almost everyone can relate to. It's very tough sometimes to get someone else to recognize our wants and needs. The reaching out and trying without success makes us grow weary and frustrated. This leads to resentment and anger if it goes on long enough. My company hasn't given me a pay raise in a very long time, and even though I keep giving hints and asking for one, it still hasn't happened and I slowly grow more resentful of it over time.

[..:: Chibi Plum ::..]

thankies.

Not the first stanza, and "the" isnt the word, its just the first that came into my head.

My tiredness is turning to annoyance,
and then from that to hatred.
I can no longer wait for you as i pretend behind my new mask.
You have changed,
and it annoys me that you are no loner who you once were - cheerful, happy.
I no longer want to be here...by your side.

That could be edited to something like this (this is only a suggestion btw alex)

"My tiredness, transforming into annoyance, hatred,
I cant wait for you, im pretending behind this new mask.
You have changed,  happy cheerful loner no more,
I no longer want to be here,
By your side."

I just think it flows in a less prose stlye and more of a poetic style. But then again its your choice. *shrug*

my poetry i do with it what i want. i do edit yours do i?

[Froggie chan]

Hey its a suggestion dont moan!
and id rather people be more critical about mine..

[..:: Chibi Plum ::..]

Yeah well i wrote this and if i didn't like it i would change it.

You use short snappy sentences and i use longer ones. i brag on my sentences. stop inflicting me with your ways man...your cramping my style.....innit....>_<

[Froggie chan]

^
teh innit preacher!

and im sorry.. its just i think people should be more critical about peoples poems, its gets more opinions.. ill be quiet..

[cookie munster]

Hey its a suggestion dont moan!
and id rather people be more critical about mine..

thats mean, you dont just scribble over an art peice do you, when people express their emotions, so, if you are critical, be nicer
^^
sayonora, cookie chan

(why am i writting it like an note, >.<)

[minimoon]

Hey its a suggestion dont moan!
and id rather people be more critical about mine..

now now people!
Alex is only getting her point across!
If anyone messes with my art work they get it it's the same with alex and her poetry!