So, I haven't given up on contract, I've written a lot more, I've just come up against a wall of writer's block and I don't want to post an incomplete chapter. This is one I started working on in June, I finally finished this first part a few weeks ago and I thought, 'hey, why not post it'. This is the first part, not sure if it's long enough to qualify as a chapter, but it's my story, why the hell not?
This is written if first person, which is extraordinarily new to me, I haven't written in first person except for writing about me or english projects. You may notice stylistic changes as you go through it, I'm not sure.
here you go!
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____ Mantras, they call them. Repeat them again and again and they become real. You are at peace, you are safe, you are the all-seeing, all-knowing centre of the universe that everyone crowds around and covets
____But you never believe them, not really. You and I both know that your forced nirvana comes from extreme denial and self-deception. Your inner peace comes from your fantastic sex life and your ‘God’ is a way to explain the unexplainable.
____I happen to be an avid fan of deception. If, for just 10 minutes a day, I am everything I ever wanted to be and more. I am strong, sexy, smart. I am God among insects. People say lying to yourself is bad, pointless. I think lies are the optimum way of preserving our sanity. People lie to themselves everyday and these people are the happiest I’ve seen. Like camels on drugs, I’ve never seen anything else so happy. The second you admit to the possibility of failure, your subconscious makes way for a flood of negativity.
____This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
____Enter Adil. Adil was innocent looking enough, but behind those big, hazel eyes was a psychotic criminal mastermind. Not psychotic like a clinical psychopath, Adil was the bad guy with the sharp wit and short fuse everyone wants to be, but no one wanted to know. He always said that it's important to admit the truth to yourself before the lies invariably come crashing down around you. Most people can't handle it and those are the ones who become killers, rapists and so on. Or so Adil believed. Over and over again, he told me lies are all well and good for a time. But the negativity of allowing the truth was better than it forcing its way in.
____But then, Adil was incapable of seeing the monochrome rainbow of 'right' and 'wrong'.
____Adil was the worst person and the best friend I could ever hope to acquire. He knew everything and nothing about nothing and everything. He was the person who appears in your life and makes you reevaluate the past twenty-something years' worth of choices you've never made. Adil, he was a bit of an anarchist, whether or not he chose to admit it, he didn't adhere to societies rules and regulations. If someone gave him rules, he'd probably break them just to say that he did. He once broke into a man's home and played fetch with his rottweilers because of a 'beware of the dogs' sign.
____I never could understand what it was that made him this way, he always brushed off my questions, "the past is the past, Ubu, if you weren't there, it doesn't concern you."
____I think maybe he grew up in some fantasy world where individuals were individual. Anarchy and socialism worked on a large scale and people didn't pry into your business. Part of me envied him for that.
____I still remember how he stormed his way into my life. Kind of like the hurricane you spend days panicking about and preparing for and then it passes in your sleep. It was summer and I was running around with a degree in performing arts. Sounds nice, but getting an audition is a fucking nightmare, getting a job is harder and getting a good pay is nigh on impossible. So I was running around in my nice little suit, degree in one hand, desert tray in the other while my friends were off in Amsterdam, Tibet, Taiwan, India and wherever-the-hell else. Handing cheesecake, chocolate gâteau, crème brûlée and whatever other delights to the posh wankers and their faux-royalty whores. He and I spent my break, and the rest of the night downing tequila shots and weird orange juice concoctions at the bar in the lobby. Thinking about it, I lost half of my pay that night because of him.
____I don't really remember much of the night after that. We were totally wasted, we went up to a suite, we had sex, blah blah blah. I woke up and looked over to find the bathroom door open and Adil throwing up enough to feed all those starving kids in Ethiopia that Oxfam is always talking about. My first thought was to question if I was as attractive as I thought I was, my second thought was a joke that made it's way out orally almost instantly, "so, have a good night then lovenuts?"
____I guess I was still a bit drunk.
He looked over at me and scowled, you wouldn't think that pretty face was capable of a bad look, but I assure you, it was. He walked over to the sink to wash his face and brush his teeth. He smiled slightly as he left the bathroom and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. "I guess, maybe, it's just a little late for introductions... but I can't remember your name for the life of me."
____Now of course, you wake up after a night of anti-climatic, drunken sex and a guy forgets your name. You aren't particularly happy about it, but it's to be expected. Just be glad he didn't take a dump in the bed and roll you into it.
____"Marina."
____"Marina." He repeated my name back to me. It was strange, my name always sounded better coming from someone else, even when they said it wrong.Provided, of course, that person wasn't my mother, "Marina Anima Williams! Get your arse in here!" Funny that. The only time she called my by my name was when she called me by my full name. The only time she called me by my full name was when she was angry. This was how I learnt my name, suffice to say, I wasn't the best behaved of children.
____"Adil."
____I smile and nod and repeat his name back to him. I reached out and panicked for a brief moment as the duvet fell from it's place across my chest. That is, until I realized I was wearing a vest. Not my best of moments... But then, I had just woken up and I wasn't entirely sober, I think that allows me the right for blonde moments.
____He pointed at me with his toothbrush, the way a teacher points at you when they've forgotten your name and wait for you to tell them so they can pretend they knew the whole time. He smiled a lopsided smile, teeth half hidden, "those tattoos of yours are... wow."
____I have to admit, this seemed slightly strange to me. I had a full piece going down the left side of my body. Most people called it a tribal, but it was more a random assortment of lines than anything. I had an upwards arrow on my right shoulder blade and an ace of spades of my left bicep. I usually wore t-shirts and the like to so most people never saw them, because no one saw them, no one commented on them. Logically, it would make sense for someone to comment on them, I mean a piece running from your shoulder to your thigh is a lot. I guess it's like having the same hairstyle everyday, it becomes so commonplace that when someone tells you it looks nice, you're quite amazed and you realize, 'yes, my hair does look good'.
____He smiled an awkward smile and dipped his head to the side, "things aren't really going anwhere from here, are they?" This wasn't so much a question as a statement, he nodded as I shook my head and we eventually got dressed and parted. You'd think that was it, any normal person would acknowledge this as a bad one night stand and move on.
____Of course, neither of us was any normal person.
____Our friendship spiraled from there. He turned up at my workplace a lot. Maybe staying in a room at the hotel for whatever reason, or he'd bring some girl to dinner at the restaurant and ask my opinion. Sometimes he'd just show up when I was working the bar and talk my ear off. I'd end up taking complaints for bad customer service. Not that it matters, most of them ar regulars who complain when I wouldn't let them cop a feel. I'd take it as an insult to my person if I was fired for one of their complaints.
____By the end of the summer, I was more worried about both of us being busy the following weekend than getting a callback. Funny that. It takes months to even tolerate some people, and other people just instantly fit in your life. I guess that's soulmate: 1, anti-spiritualists: 0.
____That year, september 9th was a friday. It was the end of the beginning and the beginning of a new start.
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w00t! 30 Seconds to Mars reference!
