Henheart's Universe
Main Discussion => The Poetry Corner => Topic started by: ..:: Chibi Plum ::.. on March 18, 2005, 01:47:44 PM
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I gave you everything; my heart and my soul,
Now all i have left is this lump of black coal.
And if i had the chance i would trow it at your head,
and wish with my heart that you would drop down dead.
I left my friends; i left my family,
Becasue i thought you were oh so manly.
I gave up my job;I gave up my life,
so i could be your dear sweet wife.
Is she fat or is she thin?
Does she always make you grin?
I thought i did but i was wrong,
Even when i wore my bright pink thong.
I knew you always loved your dog,
So i threw him down the bog.
Next I'm going to come for you,
And I'll throw you down the loo too!
By Hayley, Alex and Deeana in English.
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And the serious version.
(the 1st 2 verses are the same so read those b4 u read the next 2)
I bet she smells like cheap perfume,
Whenever you walk in the room.
I bet she's small; i bet she's fat,
Like an old sewer rat.
As i hold this prety knife,
I want to hack away at your life.
Watch her scream as you decay,
I will have the very last say.
*Evil laugh and dramtic music with lightening sounds and pictures in background*
;)
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And the serious version.
(the 1st 2 verses are the same so read those b4 u read the next 2)
I bet she smells like cheap perfume,
Whenever you walk in the room.
I bet she's small; i bet she's fat,
Like an old sewer rat.
As i hold this prety knife,
I want to hack away at your life.
Watch her scream as you decay,
I will have the very last say.
*Evil laugh and dramtic music with lightening sounds and pictures in background*
From Hayley: eat your heart out Amy!!
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3 things
1. amazing poem dudes me likes loads!!!! *glomps*
2. triple posting
3. i will not eat my heart.. espically with a spoon XD
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i did not do that last post i swear. sure i duoble posted but not the 3rd time.
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ok....
'As i hold this prety knife,
I want to hack away at your life.'
very powerful lines!
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yes i made the pretty knife part and H made the hacking part muhahahaha
*strokes cheek contousoly* ooohhh gold stars.
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wheee gold stars!
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*hacks at things with pretty knife*
YAY HACKING! XD
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cool siggy H.
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me thinking you should change the word
pretty
into
petty (spelling)
to make it seem like something so small can do so much damage
but tis up to you!
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that line was from alex not me!
Complain to her! XD
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im not complaining XD
but okies ^_^
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bo coz the knife is pretty to the woamn. her guy is cheating on her. a knife is prorbaly the prettiest thing ever then.
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I wanted to be your friend,
to stay by your side - the truthful one.
I wanted to always be there for you,
the shoulder you could cry on,
the friend waiting for your tears.
But time is harsh to us and changed me and my heart,
and as more tears fall i grow tired.
I am tried of waiting for you to smile honestly,
I am tired of you hiding behind a pretend mask,
I am tired with your negative attitude,
I am tired of feeling weighed down by it.
My tiredness is turning to annoyance,
and then from that to hatred.
I can no longer wait for you as i pretend behind my new mask.
You have changed,
and it annoys me that you are no loner who you once were - cheerful, happy.
I no longer want to be here...by your side.
You pointless depresssion ties me down and rips my wings,
but I want them to grow again....
so i can be free.
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Go al!
Great expression! I can feel your anger!!! ^O^
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I like this alot ^_^
Its meaning is clear and strong throughtout, its a very strong and poignant (sp).
great work.
The only small suggestion I have is that there are a few words that you can cut out. the overusuage of words such as 'the' seem to make it loss flow in some places.
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Melikies Alex-chan! ^_^ I can really sense how you feel...
And Amy, if you're talking about the usage of "the" in the first stanza, then I actually quite like that effect...
But each to their own.. *shrug*
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Not the first stanza, and "the" isnt the word, its just the first that came into my head.
My tiredness is turning to annoyance,
and then from that to hatred.
I can no longer wait for you as i pretend behind my new mask.
You have changed,
and it annoys me that you are no loner who you once were - cheerful, happy.
I no longer want to be here...by your side.
That could be edited to something like this (this is only a suggestion btw alex)
"My tiredness, transforming into annoyance, hatred,
I cant wait for you, im pretending behind this new mask.
You have changed, happy cheerful loner no more,
I no longer want to be here,
By your side."
I just think it flows in a less prose stlye and more of a poetic style. But then again its your choice. *shrug*
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Hmm, I like the edit you suggested Amy but I also like Alex's original version - to me, you both have very distinct styles so it would be strange to have something very much like your style in the middle of Alex's poem ^_^
But yeah, I really like it Alex and I can see what you're saying - maybe the best I've seen from you!
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It's very good Alex-chan and a subject that almost everyone can relate to. It's very tough sometimes to get someone else to recognize our wants and needs. The reaching out and trying without success makes us grow weary and frustrated. This leads to resentment and anger if it goes on long enough. My company hasn't given me a pay raise in a very long time, and even though I keep giving hints and asking for one, it still hasn't happened and I slowly grow more resentful of it over time.
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thankies.
Not the first stanza, and "the" isnt the word, its just the first that came into my head.
My tiredness is turning to annoyance,
and then from that to hatred.
I can no longer wait for you as i pretend behind my new mask.
You have changed,
and it annoys me that you are no loner who you once were - cheerful, happy.
I no longer want to be here...by your side.
That could be edited to something like this (this is only a suggestion btw alex)
"My tiredness, transforming into annoyance, hatred,
I cant wait for you, im pretending behind this new mask.
You have changed, happy cheerful loner no more,
I no longer want to be here,
By your side."
I just think it flows in a less prose stlye and more of a poetic style. But then again its your choice. *shrug*
my poetry i do with it what i want. i do edit yours do i?
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Hey its a suggestion dont moan!
and id rather people be more critical about mine..
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Yeah well i wrote this and if i didn't like it i would change it.
You use short snappy sentences and i use longer ones. i brag on my sentences. stop inflicting me with your ways man...your cramping my style.....innit....>_<
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^
teh innit preacher!
and im sorry.. its just i think people should be more critical about peoples poems, its gets more opinions.. ill be quiet..
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Hey its a suggestion dont moan!
and id rather people be more critical about mine..
thats mean, you dont just scribble over an art peice do you, when people express their emotions, so, if you are critical, be nicer
^^
sayonora, cookie chan
(why am i writting it like an note, >.<)
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Hey its a suggestion dont moan!
and id rather people be more critical about mine..
now now people!
Alex is only getting her point across!
If anyone messes with my art work they get it it's the same with alex and her poetry!